


Lost My Senses

by justyrae



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Canon Compliant, Hand Jobs, M/M, Phone Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-15
Updated: 2015-05-23
Packaged: 2018-03-30 17:43:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3945826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justyrae/pseuds/justyrae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The first time it happened, it was an accident.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> erm... I have no control?

The first time it happened, it _was_ an accident.

Harry thought it was weird that Louis was calling him. He wasn't much for phone calls, he preferred to text most of the time. Harry stared down at his phone, trying to remember the last time he spoke to Louis and whether there was something they'd planned on that he'd obviously forgotten about.

He spent so much time trying to figure out why Louis was calling, he nearly missed his chance to answer the call at all. He unlocked his screen at the last second, putting the phone up to his ear as he said hello.

Louis didn't reply. Harry repeated himself, and listened carefully for anything on the other end of the phone. He pulled the phone away from his ear to check that Louis hadn't disconnected - Harry had been on the receiving end of one too many prank calls over the years - but the call was still going.

"Lou?" Harry said a little louder when he brought the phone back up to his ear. Louis still didn't respond, but this time Harry heard rustling and a giggle that most definitely was not Louis.

Any normal person would've hung up. Any one of the other lads would've rolled their eyes, hung up the phone, and made a point to take the piss out of Louis the next time they talked.

But Harry didn't hang up.

He was all alone in his house in LA, savoring a few hours of peace before he met up with Jeff for another night out. He'd been planning on taking a bath followed by a nap, but now his ear was glued to his phone.

Harry kept expecting Louis to pick it up, to realize that he'd accidentally called Harry in the middle of whatever was going on and hastily end the call.

He strained to hear more, picking up bits and pieces of muffled conversation as he made himself comfortable on his sofa. There was more rustling, and then suddenly he could hear Louis' voice loud and clear.

"C'mere, love," he said, and then there was another girlish giggle followed by the unmistakable sound of kissing. Harry's eyes widened as he realized Louis had accidentally called him during a _hookup_.

If a normal person hadn't hung up before, they definitely would've after that realization.

Harry still didn't hang up.

He heard the clink of a belt being unbuckled and he felt his own jeans grow a little tighter. Louis let out a moan and Harry closed his eyes and pressed the heel of his free hand against himself, biting his lip to hold in a moan of his own.

"Shit, that's good," Louis groaned, "you're so good."

Harry kept his eyes shut as his hips twitched upwards against his hand, trying like hell to resist the urge to unzip his jeans. He could only imagine what was going on based on the sounds Louis was making coupled with the vague sounds of whoever was with him, but it seemed fairly clear that he was listening to Louis receiving a blowjob.

It wasn't the first time he'd accidentally listened to Louis getting off - the walls of their old flat hadn't been _that_ thick - but Harry didn't remember him being this loud. It was… distracting.

"Yeah, shit, just like that," Louis grunted, "so fucking good."

"Fuck," Harry breathed out as he pressed his palm flat against himself, grinding his hips upwards to find some relief. Some distant part of his mind reasoned that as long as he didn't actually touch his naked cock, it wasn't weird.

Louis got louder and louder, and Harry found it harder not to just shove his hand under his jeans and get himself off to the sound of it. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been this worked up, and the fact that Louis had no idea just made Harry that much more desperate.

"Shit," Louis cried out, "shit, m'gonna come, fuck!" He moaned loudly and the sound alone sent Harry over the edge too, coming hard in his jeans like he was a teenager all over again.

The realization of what he'd just done sank in at about the same time that Harry started to feel uncomfortably sticky, and he quickly ended the call. He let out a deep breath before he got up from the couch, a bit unstable on his legs as he made his way towards his bathroom to clean himself up.

He ended up taking a long shower, standing under the running water for far longer than necessary in an effort to wash away the dirty feeling of getting off to the sounds of one of his best mates getting his dick sucked. In the heat of the moment, it hadn't bothered him. Now… it was weird.

When Harry finally exited the bathroom almost an hour later, he remembered that he'd left his phone on the sofa in his hurry to clean up. He wasn't surprised to see a few texts from Jeff and a few others, even one from Niall. But his heart skipped a beat when he saw one from Louis.

**did you call me?**

Harry let out a long breath before he carefully typed out a reply.

**no…you called me**

It was late in the UK, and Louis' text had come in nearly half an hour earlier. Harry hoped that maybe Louis had already fallen asleep and by morning he would've forgotten the whole thing.

A minute later, another text from Louis came through and Harry braced himself.

**no I didn't**

Harry rolled his eyes, fully intending to text back **yes you did** and probably get himself into another no I didn't/yes you did argument that Louis would inevitably cheat to win like he always did when his phone started ringing with another phone call from Louis.

He only hesitated a little before picking it up this time, but he was far more nervous than the last time.

"Lou?"

"The call was 23 minutes long," he said flatly. "Why was it so long?"

Harry exhaled sharply. "D'you really want to know?"

"I don't understand," Louis groaned, "I never called you, I was w-- I was _busy_."

"I know," Harry replied.

"Y-You… what d'you mean, you know?" Louis asked, sounding defensive.

"Lou," Harry sighed heavily, "you must've accidentally called me or summat, I've told you to put a passcode on your phone."

"Don't lecture me, Harold. Why didn't you just hang up when I didn't answer?"

"I was going to," Harry said, even though he'd never had any intention of hanging up at all, "but then…"

"Then what?" Louis demanded. Harry stayed silent, and Louis inhaled sharply. "Harry."

"Lou," Harry mumbled.

" _Harry_."

"M'sorry." Harry sighed.

"23 minutes, Harry. Twenty. Three."

"I know."

"Why didn't you just hang up?" Louis sighed angrily. "You're a bloody pervert, aren't you?"

"M'not," Harry replied adamantly, even though Louis was technically right. Harry had, in fact, just been a bit of a pervert. "I didn't mean to, honest."

Louis groaned in disgust and hung up. Harry tossed his phone onto his sofa and buried his head in his hands, feeling more upset with himself than he had been before.

Why hadn't he just hung up?

 


	2. Chapter 2

**you busy?**

Harry didn't know what to make of Louis' text. For starters, Louis hadn't talked to him at all since the _incident_ , not that Harry had reached out either. He'd started to a few times but never got far enough in any of his texts to actually press send.

It wasn't particularly abnormal for them to go days or weeks without texting anymore, so Harry tried his best to put the whole thing out of his mind and enjoy the time he had in LA before tour started up again. He'd been succeeding fairly well until he received the text from Louis while out to dinner one night and as he stared at his phone, Harry felt all those same feelings rushing back.

First off, he was being rude by checking his phone at the table in the first place but the moment he'd seen Louis' name flash on his screen he couldn't possibly ignore it. As awful as Harry felt for ignoring his friends in favor of staring at two words, they didn't seem to mind at all. The conversation continued without him and Harry was left alone with his swirling thoughts to wrangle all on his own.

He didn't understand why Louis was texting him all of a sudden, and he certainly had no idea why he'd said _that_ of all things. Louis never asked if Harry (or anyone else, for that matter) was busy, he'd always assume Harry would make time for him.

Which, of course, he always did but that's an entirely different story. At least, that's what Harry told himself.

**out to dinner, why?**

Harry stared at the screen for another minute or so, waiting for Louis to text him again and help him make sense of the situation. The little speech bubble didn't appear to signify Louis typing a response, so Harry gave up and locked his screen. He put his phone down on the table next to his plate - _just in case_ , he thought to himself - and tried to rejoin the conversation, though the topic had changed drastically from the last time he'd spoken.

It didn't even matter because no less than two minutes later Harry's phone started buzzing on the table and he rushed to grab it. Harry felt warm all over when he saw it was Louis calling and he hurriedly made up an excuse to get up from the table.

He didn't hesitate to answer it, even as he was dodging around other tables in the restaurant in an effort to get to the loo for some privacy. There were any number of reasons for Louis to be calling him but deep down Harry knew it would be better not to let anyone else overhear.

"Lou?" he mumbled into the phone as he rounded the corner and ducked into the loo, flipping the lock on the door as soon as it shut. He was already breathing heavier than normal, straining to hear the other end of the line over the sound of his own breath.

This time around Harry didn't dare pull his phone away from his ear; no sooner did he say Louis' name did he hear the same moan he'd heard days ago and it sent shockwaves through his entire body. Harry pressed his back against the door and closed his eyes as he listened to Louis moan again.

"C'mon, c'mon," Louis' voice came through the phone, begging and pleading with whoever was there with him, "want it."

Only a few seconds passed before Louis moaned again, the tone higher-pitched and far needier than before and Harry had to cover his own mouth to keep from mimicking the sound. He was already straining against the zip of his jeans and the sounds coming from Louis weren't making it any easier to keep his hands to himself.

"I'm ready," Louis pleaded, "c'mon, I'm ready, do it."

"Alright, love," a deep voice replied with a chuckle and Harry's breath caught in his throat.

He'd known Louis wasn't alone but he'd never imagined that Louis would call him during a hookup with another _guy_. Another broken moan from Louis snapped Harry out of his thoughts and he couldn't stop himself from unbuttoning his jeans and getting a hand on himself.

It took everything in Harry not to moan aloud as he started stroking his cock, listening to Louis whimper helplessly. Somewhere in the back of Harry's mind he was glad he couldn't hear the other guy, reasoning that he was either quiet of his own accord or simply not loud enough to overpower the noise coming from Louis.

The selfish part of Harry's mind used this to comfort him, making him imagine that Louis was only making these sounds for him. Louis had called _Harry_ for a reason; he was letting him listen in to one of the most intimate of acts between two people because he wanted Harry to hear it.

On the other hand, the jealous part of Harry's mind reminded him that Louis hadn't come to _just_ Harry for this. He'd found someone else to fuck him, Harry was just along for the ride.

"Yes," Louis groaned, "oh, _fuck me_ , that's good."

Harry pushed those thoughts out of his head and focused on Louis, keeping his eyes firmly shut as he started wanking himself faster. He could hear skin slapping against skin, and coupled with Louis' moaning he was free to imagine that he was the one causing Louis to make those sounds. As soon as the thought crossed his mind Harry had to pull the phone away from his ear in order to stifle a moan in the crook of his elbow.

His mind was reeling; he hadn't thought about Louis like this in ages. Sure, the phone call a few weeks before had sparked those feelings he thought he'd buried deep inside himself, but with every day that had passed since he'd thought that maybe they wouldn't come back. But here he was getting off to the very idea of fucking Louis - and here was _Louis_ letting him listen to him getting fucked - and as confused as his mind was at that moment, he couldn't stop himself from wanting every second of it.

"Fuck, right there!" Louis shouted. "Fuck, fuck, fuck!"

"C'mon," Harry muttered under his breath. He was trying to hold off, waiting for Louis to come first but it was getting progressively harder by the second. He could feel his orgasm building and he couldn't bring himself to slow his hand down, too caught up in the overwhelming feeling to care.

Louis moaned loudly, just like he had the first time, and Harry nearly dropped his phone as he came in his hand. He panted harshly, grunting as he rode out the waves of his orgasm as quietly as he could.

After all, he was in the loo of a restaurant and there was no telling who could be standing outside the door.

With his phone still pressed to his ear, Harry caught his breath and finally opened his eyes to stare down at the mess he'd made all over himself. He grimaced, hardly paying attention to the sounds coming through the phone until he heard his name.

"Harry, you still there?" Louis' voice sounded wrecked, all soft and sated and Harry hated the feeling of jealousy in the pit of his stomach. Those feelings weren't so easy to get rid of after all.

"Y-Yeah," he croaked out. Louis chuckled in his ear and Harry closed his eyes again.

"Pervert." The line went dead.


	3. Chapter 3

Harry wasn't nervous, he _wasn't_. He couldn't go ignoring Louis for the rest of his life, he had to see him again eventually. And he wasn't even properly ignoring Louis because how could he ignore someone who wasn't reaching out to him in the first place?

If anything, Harry reasoned, Louis was ignoring _him_. That would make a lot more sense. Or, at least, that's what Harry kept telling himself. Whether or not he actually believed it depended on the time of day.

Harry still flushed a deep shade of red whenever he thought about the last time he'd been on the phone with Louis. He'd stayed in the loo far too long after Louis hung up on him, finding himself unable to move for a good five minutes after the fact.

Cleaning himself off managed to calm him down a little, until he'd start thinking about the sound of Louis' moans and he'd have to close his eyes and take long, deep breaths until he recovered. He had to splash his face with water several times to try and rid his cheeks of their pink color but he was sure his friends would notice _something_ was different.

After all, he had disappeared for a good twenty to thirty minutes.

It was embarrassing, to be sure. He hadn't thought to come up with an excuse as to why he'd been gone for so long and as a result endured a good laugh at his expense. He didn't really mind, mostly because he was still dwelling on what had just happened.

He continued to dwell on it for several days. Those days turned into a week, then two, and soon it was only a few days before Louis and the other lads were due to come to LA and Harry had absolutely no idea what he was going to do.

He tried texting Louis a few times, but could never come up with the words he really wanted to say. Every time his phone rang, part of him would hope it was Louis. Even though it never was it didn't stop Harry from trying to think of what he'd say if it had been Louis.

He couldn't deny the small voice in the back of his mind that wondered whether he'd have to say anything at all, or if Louis would call him during another hookup. Harry couldn't stop himself from wondering if it would happen again, if this was what they were going to keep doing for the rest of their lives.

They couldn't possibly, right? Harry didn't know, and it was driving him mad.

So maybe he was a little nervous about seeing Louis after all. He'd paced around his house for a good half an hour before he was due to meet up with him and the other lads. It did him no good at all because by the time he had to leave, he still had no idea what he was going to say to Louis.

As it turned out, he didn't have to say anything at all. Louis hardly looked him in the eye when they hugged hello and promptly launched into conversation with Niall, leaving Harry utterly bewildered.

But he shouldn't have been, not really. It was hardly the first time Louis had ignored him and Harry couldn't imagine that there would ever be a time where it wouldn't happen for one reason or another. While Harry hardly expected for Louis to straight-up talk about it in front of Liam and Niall, he'd sort of hoped that he'd say _something_. Or, at the very least, look him in the eye.

If Harry ended up curling into Liam's side, well, nobody could really blame him.

"You alright?" Liam asked a few hours later with a gentle nudge.

"M'fine," Harry answered softly.

"You sure?" Liam frowned slightly. "You've looked a bit lost all day. Like you're stuck in your head or something."

"Nah," Harry shook his head, "just…"

"You high, Harold?" Louis cackled loudly. "Should've saved some for us. Not cool, mate."

"I'm not," Harry replied with a frown and Louis rolled his eyes, laughing again as he tugged Liam away. Harry sighed heavily, hating the way Louis only chose to acknowledge him if there was something to tease about.

Niall sat down next to him and pulled him in for a cuddle.

"You're my favorite," Harry mumbled. Niall laughed brightly.

"'Course I am. Who else would it be?"

Harry chose not to answer as he buried his head in Niall's shoulder and closed his eyes. He could still hear Louis and Liam's voices, but the way Niall was gently running his fingers through his hair made them easier to ignore.

"Just a bit poorly, then?" Niall asked. "You did look a bit peaky earlier."

"Yeah," Harry replied, keeping his eyes firmly shut, "just a bit poorly."

By the time Harry got home later that night he really was feeling poorly, but he suspected most of it was having to do with feeling sorry for himself. He'd tried participating in conversation with the lads - he really was happy to see them all - but in the end he always got lost in his own thoughts and would miss half of what they said.

Liam was the one who'd insisted Harry go home and get some sleep. "We've got big days coming up," he had said, smiling so wide his eyes crinkled and made Harry's heart hurt.

Maybe if he'd fallen for Liam instead he wouldn't be feeling this way. Liam wouldn't ignore him like Louis does.

Harry crawled into bed, having stripped down to his pants after emptying the contents of his pockets onto the table next to his bed, and pulled the covers over his head. He wasn't used to going to bed so early in the evening - it was hardly past ten - but somehow he managed to fall asleep almost instantly.

His sleep was less than fulfilling, his dreams so full of anxiety and nervousness that he would've been better off staying awake. He was pulled out of a particularly troubling dream by his phone ringing just after two in the morning, and he grumbled into his pillow as he blindly reached for it on the bedside table.

Instead of grabbing it he managed to knock it off the table entirely and grumbled even more as he had to pull himself to the edge of the bed to pick it up. By the time he had it in his hand it had finally stopped ringing and he saw that the call he'd missed had been from Louis.

Harry rubbed his eyes a few times, nearly positive that he was still asleep and dreaming this all up. He pinched himself, wincing at the pain as he looked at his call log again and saw Louis' name clear as day.

His mind was too foggy from sleep to try and process this information, feeling exhausted and confused and even mildly hurt. He jumped when his phone started ringing again with another call from Louis. Harry waited a beat before he answered it, rolling onto his back as he put the phone up to his ear.

He didn't say a word, not this time. If Louis wasn't going to talk to him, he wasn't going to speak either. Part of him was planning on hanging up the moment he heard something, but there was no noise on the other side of the line.

No rustling, no giggling. Nothing to indicate anyone was even on the phone with him, but Harry kept quiet anyway.

Finally, Harry heard a sharp intake of breath. For a second he thought he'd imagined the whole thing but then he heard Louis' voice.

"Harry?"

It was soft, almost strained. Another breath followed, and what suspiciously sounded like a cut-off moan.

"Harry, are you there?"

"Yeah," Harry croaked, clearing his throat afterwards and Louis sighed in relief.

"Harry," he repeated, letting out a gasp. "I…"

"What're you doing, Lou?" Harry asked with a soft sigh.

"T-Touching myself," Louis answered with another groan. Harry shut his eyes and held back a groan of his own, because that _hadn't_ been what he meant with his question.

He wanted to know why Louis kept calling him after that first time. He wanted to know why Louis had barely said anything to him earlier that day. He wanted to know how Louis knew exactly how to get under his skin and make him absolutely crazy, even after all these years.

"Was thinking about you," Louis went on, "couldn't stop. Had to call, had to… hear your voice."

"Louis," Harry mumbled softly, "why're you doing this?"

"Just talk to me," Louis begged, "I don't care what you say, just--" his breath caught and Harry felt his own dick twitch between his legs, the traitor, " _please_."

"Louis, I don't…" Harry sighed heavily, "I don't know what to say."

"Anything," Louis pleaded, "anything, c'mon, let me hear you."

"You drive me mad," Harry said with a breathless laugh, "d'you know that?"

Louis groaned in response and Harry started to slide his free hand down his chest, inching towards the waistband of his pants. He inhaled sharply as his fingers brushed against the head of his own cock and he let out a groan when he got a hand around himself.

"You don't even know what you do to me," Harry said, breathing heavily into the phone as he started to jerk himself off. "Fuck, Louis."

"Yes," Louis groaned, "a-are you touching yourself? Tell me you are."

"Yeah," Harry twisted his wrist and groaned, "feels so good, fuck."

"Yeah," Louis echoed, "go on, tell me, please."

"Tell you what?" Harry moaned. "Tell you how I came in my pants the first time you called? How listening to you get off with some random girl made me come so hard I thought about it for _days_ after?"

"Yes," Louis whimpered, "more, more, tell me."

"Or how," Harry paused to groan, speeding up his hand as he tried to keep his thoughts clear enough to speak, "how I got off in a public loo listening to you get fucked?"

Louis moaned loudly, chanting _yes, yes, yes_ and urging Harry to keep going.

"You sounded so good, Lou. Fuck, I wanted so bad to be the one making you sound like that. Couldn't stop thinking about it. Still do."

"Harry," Louis groaned, "so close, gonna come."

"Yeah," Harry panted, "come for me, Lou. Come all over yourself, know you want to. Know you needed to have me here to listen to you. Fuck, wanna hear you come."

"Fuck," Louis grunted, "fuck, fuck, m'coming, _fuck_!"

Harry's breath caught as he came all over his fist listening to Louis moan and whimper as he worked himself through his orgasm. Harry's whole body shuddered with the aftershocks but he found himself straining to hear Louis on the other end of the phone.

"Shit," Louis muttered softly, "that was… _fuck_."

"Yeah," Harry mumbled. "Lou, we should… we should talk."

Louis huffed. "Yeah, alright," he mumbled, "I'll come by."

"Now?" Harry asked. He glanced at the clock near his bed, it was quarter to three in the morning.

"No, you idiot, it's the middle of the night." Louis huffed again. "I'll come by tomorrow."

And then he hung up, leaving Harry alone in his bed with his hand still down his pants and his mind absolutely reeling with the possibility of tomorrow.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no idea where all these feelings came from but y'know things happen.

Harry didn't sleep a wink the rest of the night. He laid in bed for hours trying to make sense of what his life had become over the past few months.

The more he thought about it, the more nervous he got about Louis coming over the following day. He had no idea what to expect, no clue whatsoever what he was getting himself into. For all he knew Louis was going to come by and laugh in his face, telling him it was all a joke and Harry fell for it: hook, line, and sinker.

Harry's still stuck in his own thoughts by the time Louis makes it to his house halfway through the morning. He honestly hadn't expected Louis to show up until later in the day - the afternoon at the very earliest - so he hadn't even bothered to get out of bed yet, even after not sleeping.

The look on Louis' face when Harry answered the door in nothing but his pants is truly priceless, but it was gone before Harry could properly process it.

"Christ," Louis muttered as he cleared his throat, "couldn't make it easy, could you?"

"I don't…" Harry stared at Louis in confusion, but didn't press the topic further as he stepped aside to let him in. Louis made a beeline for the kitchen and started rummaging through the cupboards. He'd opened nearly all of them in the time it took for Harry to follow, but he apparently hadn't found what he was looking for.

"Where's your fucking kettle?" he demanded with a huff, making Harry laugh.

"I'll get it," he replied as he stepped forward to open a cupboard over Louis' head, the door just out of Louis' reach. Harry pulled the kettle out and placed it in Louis' hands with a smile, receiving a glare in return.

"Go put on a shirt," Louis grumbled, turning his back on Harry as he busied himself with setting up the kettle.

Harry let out a soft sigh but did as Louis asked and left the kitchen to retrieve a shirt from his bedroom. He grabbed one at random off the floor and slipped it on, doing up a few buttons at the bottom as he wandered back into the kitchen. Louis was sitting on the counter next to the kettle, clutching a box of tea and scrutinizing it far too closely for someone who had tea as often as he does.

Somehow it made Harry less nervous to see Louis so rattled, but it didn't quell the fear that he'd misread everything.

"D'you want milk?" he asked after he'd cleared his throat, crossing the kitchen floor to open his refrigerator.

"Have we met?" Louis replied with a laugh, making Harry crack a smile.

More minutes passed with silence between them; not awkward per se, but Harry could feel the tension in the air. The problem was he didn't know what to say to make it any easier. He was half waiting for Louis to say something, even though he wasn't sure he wanted to hear what Louis had to say.

"So…" Harry said with a deep exhale, carefully watching Louis for a reaction. Louis had been tapping his fingers along the edge of his mug but stopped and visibly tensed up when Harry spoke.

"Did you tell anyone?" he asked softly, staring down at his tea rather than making eye contact with Harry.

"About…" Harry gestured between the two of them and Louis nodded quickly, "no, of course not, why--"

"Good," Louis interrupted, making Harry's heart sink.

"Good?" he repeated. "That's all you have to say?"

"What do you want me to say, Haz?" Louis asked, still not meeting Harry's eye.

"Why don't you tell me the truth?"

"The truth?"

"Yeah," Harry scoffed, "tell me why you've been having me listen to you get off--"

"You did it yourself the first time," Louis interrupted sharply, "you were the one who didn't hang up."

"Yeah," Harry replied calmly, taking a deep breath before he continued, "but the second time? And last night? What about those, Lou?"

"I don't know," Louis mumbled timidly, avoiding the question by taking a sip of tea.

"Don't give me that," Harry groaned, "you do know."

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't!" Louis yelled, accidentally splashing himself with his tea. He cursed loudly as it burned his skin, and he quickly put his mug aside. Harry was at his side in an instant, reaching for his hand even as Louis recoiled.

"Louis," he mumbled softly.

"M'fine," Louis grumbled, pulling his hand away from Harry.

"Let me look," Harry asked. Louis sighed petulantly but let Harry pull his hand back towards him and brush his lips against the spot where the tea had splashed him.

"Stop that," Louis muttered, "s'not fair."

"What?" Harry asked with a frown.

"You," Louis answered. "This, just… everything. It's just not fair."

"I don't understand."

"Of course you don't," Louis huffed, "it's always been easy for you."

"Easy?" Harry let out a nervous laugh. "What's been easy?"

"This," Louis said as he pulled his hand away from Harry's. "You've always been able to just say and do whatever you want and have it be alright."

"Lou…"

"I don't know why I did it, okay?" Louis sighed. "I just… it was nice. Having… having you back again."

"I didn't go anywhere," Harry replied, slightly confused. "I've always been here."

"Yeah, but you haven't." Louis shook his head. "Not like you used to be. And… I dunno, maybe I took it for granted. I was scared."

"Scared? Scared of what?"

Louis shrugged. Harry frowned and tried to get Louis to look at him but it was a futile effort.

"Louis, talk to me."

"I didn't know," Louis whispered. "I didn't know what I wanted until it was too late and you were just… _gone_."

"But I didn't--"

"Go anywhere, yeah, I know, but you did." Louis gave a hollow laugh and Harry frowned harder at the sound. "It was my fault, for pushing you away."

"You didn't--" Harry started, but he stopped himself before Louis could. He couldn't deny that their friendship wasn't anywhere near what it was when the band had first started, no one could. Nothing stayed the same forever, but Harry had always held onto the hope that one day they'd go back to being as close as they once were.

"I did," Louis said quietly. "I thought it was for the best."

"Louis…" Harry mumbled sadly.

"I didn't know what else to do. You were _so young_ when we met, Harry. And the way you looked at me… fuck, it terrified me." Louis shook his head. "I didn't know how to handle that. I didn't know how to be someone else's world. I thought maybe I was just the first person you latched on to, y'know?"

"But you weren't," Harry insisted. "Louis, you're not--"

"But I was," Louis interrupted, "because you moved on. You didn't need me as much as you thought you did. Or as I did, I dunno. It just seemed easier to push you away."

"You didn't have to."

"But I did. And then you stopped coming back."

"I didn't think you wanted me." Harry sighed. "I never knew you did. If I had, Lou, I would've--"

"It doesn't matter," Louis said, sniffing loudly as he rubbed at his eyes.

"It does," Harry pleaded. "Louis, I've always--"

"Don't," Louis begged brokenly, "don't, Harry, please."

"Don't what? Tell you I love you? That I've always loved you?" Harry laughed softly. "Don't tell you that I kept hoping you'd call me again?"

"Don't," Louis whispered, but he didn't pull away when Harry wrapped his arms around him and pressed their foreheads together.

"I thought-- I _hoped_ that it meant you felt the same way about me," Harry whispered. "Have I got it wrong?"

"No," Louis choked out, barely a breath as he held back a sob. Harry's hands tightened around him, pulling Louis closer to him as he pressed his lips against Louis' cheek.

"Look at me," Harry asked gently, "Lou, please?"

Louis inhaled shakily as he slowly tilted his head to meet Harry's eye, showing him the tears that he'd been fighting all this time. When he blinked, a few fell onto his cheeks and Harry gently brushed them away with his thumb before tucking his hand underneath Louis' chin. He kept staring into Louis' eyes as he inched closer and closer before finally letting his eyes shut as their lips touched.

"Harry," Louis mumbled weakly as he ducked his head to pull their lips apart, curling his fingers into Harry's shirt and pulling him closer as he let out a choked laugh and added, "you never button your shirt properly."

Harry laughed, kissing Louis' temple before cupping his hands around Louis' jaw to tilt his head back up so he could look into Louis' eyes. He offered a timid smile as their eyes met and Harry's heart swelled at the sight.

"I love you," he said in a calm, quiet voice. Louis shut his eyes tightly and gripped Harry's shirt harder as he started to shake. Harry let go of Louis' jaw and wrapped his arms around Louis' frame as he repeated the phrase over and over while Louis cried into his shoulder.

"I…" Louis started, but he was crying so much that he couldn't get any words out.

"It's okay," Harry whispered soothingly into his ear, "you don't have to--"

"I do," Louis replied, clearing his throat as he said it again and then, "I want to."

"Okay," Harry replied, letting Louis pull back in his arms.

"Harry?" Louis whispered, looking at him with wide eyes. "W-Will you kiss me again?"

Harry eagerly pressed their lips together again, mumbling "of course" against Louis' mouth as they clung to each other. Louis whimpered into Harry's mouth as he let go of Harry's shirt to curl his hands into Harry's hair, not letting him pull away.

"I love you," Louis breathed out between kisses, "loved you… for ages."

"Me too," Harry replied as he peppered kisses all over Louis' face, "God, Louis, so much."

Louis laughed as he let go of Harry's hair to wipe the tears from his eyes, laughing more when Harry tried to help and ruffled his hair. Louis pushed Harry's hands away but Harry just laced their fingers together and kissed Louis' knuckles, smiling at Louis as he did so.

"You're the worst," Louis mumbled.

"You love me," Harry said, grinning widely as he leaned forward to kiss Louis. Now that he could, he was going to do it as often as he wanted to.

"God help me," Louis said with a laugh as he rubbed his nose against Harry's, "I do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed it! <3

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](http://imlouisaf.tumblr.com)


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